For the love of Camelot
by Wil1969
Summary: Yule time is near, but Merlin feels depressed and wants to be alone...


**For the love of Camelot**

For the first time in his life, the forest felt cold and uninviting when Merlin left his hut to get dry firewood. Winter had come early this year, and without the warmth of Camelot, he had used all his magic powers to warm the tiny hut he'd build and lived in since Arthur died. It had been Autumn than, but now the first snow covered the forest floor, and the sun refused to show itself.

Merlin used to like wintertime. The snow, the fun, the celebrations. Yule was not far away, and even though Arthur was gone, Guinevere and Gaius would make certain that everyone living and working in and around the castle would not be denied their food and warmth and laughter. The King would have wanted it. At least it was what Merlin's wanted to believe, as he hadn't set one foot into Camelot since his best friend died in his arms. They should have celebrated Yule together, him making fun of Arthur's new clothes, and Arthur trying to drown him in cider.

With a heavy heart, Merlin set out into the forest, his boots disappearing knee-deep into fresh snow, leaving holes that filled immediately with new flakes. That the firewood would be wet was the least of his concerns. He could dry it all with magic. To survive the cold he needed a warm coat though, but he couldn't get himself to visit a place where people were gathering. He wasn't ready for the stares and the looks of pity. Not yet.

A noise from behind made him turn, and there it was. The head of a spotted wood owl appeared from a pile of snow, trying to get his attention. It looked like the animal had just fallen off its branch, as it let out a tiny squeak that was so pathetic, it melted Merlin's heart. The small creature clearly needed help, as it looked all but frozen.

"Hey there, little one." Merlin reached out carefully. "You're not going to bite me, are you?" He wondered where the owl had come from when he reached out, debating if he needed his jacket to make sure it wouldn't use its sharp beak to do some damage on his fingers.

There had been no need to worry, as the beautiful bird jumped up and on his arm the moment it was freed. Feathers were ruffled, and it looked up at Merlin, head tilted, as if it was doing a thorough examination of him. "Are you all right?"

The owl seemed to consider this. "Yes, I think I am."

"Wha…" Merlin almost dropped the curious little bird, "you talk?"

"No, I just whistle... Of course I talk." The owl answered in a raspy tone of voice.

A sarcastic talking owl? Great. Merlin couldn't help but grin, trying to hide it. "But, how..."

"I used to live with a witch who desperately needed a companion."

"Ah…" As if it explained everything. "Did she dump you?"

"It's not funny." The owl answered, while it started to hop across Merlin's arm. "My name's Ari."

"Merlin."

"I know." Ari answered, but before Merlin could ask for an explanation, the bird continued. "Can we get out of the cold now? I mean, you do have a nice cabin of sorts someplace, right?"

"A hut."

"The greatest Warlock on Earth lives in a hut?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Ari let out a loud hoot, making Merlin jump. "Looks like I found you just in time."

Ari had kept on chatting, all the way back to the hut. Merlin had insisted on gathering firewood first, while he'd tried to ignore the wise words of a bird, of all creatures. He was cold, wet and wanted some peace and quiet. He had even considered leaving Ari in a Pinetree behind the hut.

When the fire sparked in its pit in the centre of the room, the owl finally stopped rambling, turning his head, this way and that. "You should leave this place, go back to Camelot," it promptly noted.

"I can't go back." Merlin answered, not even surprised that the bird mentioned it. Ari seemed to know a whole lot for such a small creature, but Merlin wasn't in the mood to ask questions.

"But Gwen awaits you."

"No, she's not. She hates me for Arthur's death."

"You didn't kill him."

"No, but I could have saved him."

"Are you always this stubborn?"

"Could you do me a favour, and shut up?" Merlin let out a weary sigh, suddenly hearing Arthur speak instead of himself. He swallowed hard, blinking his tears away. He missed his friend so damned much that it hurt. He didn't need a bird to tell him what to do. He didn't need anyone.

"I won't stop talking." Ari answered, one of his infuriating hoots directed straight at one of Merlin's ears. "You know what you have to do, and I will keep reminding you of it."

"Now I know why the witch has thrown you out." Merlin muttered.

"You do know there's a life without Arthur, right?" Ari hopped on his shoulder. "He wouldn't want you to sit here and freeze your butt off."

"You are so wise."

"So I'm told."

* * *

Merlin couldn't sleep, and it wasn't because of the cold. His rambling thoughts, the images of Arthur's last days, flashing through his mind. It was all too much. He willed them to go away, as they wouldn't change a thing. But he couldn't help it, and it deprived him of much needed rest.

He turned around, his jacket way too small to keep out the tickling from the pile of hay he'd tried to sleep on. He missed his bed, but this was what he deserved, and nothing Ari would say could change that. He wasn't going back, end of story.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself." The birds voice reached him, as if Ari could read his mind, "your friends in Camelot are missing you, they are hoping for your return, and…"

"Stop talking!"

"No."

"Yes.""

"Not a chance."

"Please?" Merlin jumped to his feet, and even though he couldn't see Ari in the dark room, he reached out in the animal's general direction, intent on slapping him on the head.

"Doesn't help." Ari's voice came from behind him all of a sudden.

"I can't go home."

"For heaven's sake." Ari sounded exasperated. "Your friends love you, they will forgive you."

"I know, but I can't forgive myself." There it was, out in the open. Merlin's voice faltered while he sank back onto his pile of hay. "I…" Tears welled up, and he bit his lip.

And then he felt Ari landing on his shoulder, soft feather's rubbing his cheek. The bird has stopped talking, and his weight was comforting and warm. He'd missed contact with other living souls, and Merlin slowly realised that he needed contact. Needed warmth and love.

"Took you long enough." Ari replied.

* * *

Camelot's guards opened the huge doors without any reserve. As if it was normal that he returned, as if he hadn't been gone at all. There was no shock or fear or disgust on their faces, no, they actually smiled at him when he walked into the great hall.

The warmth of the hall brought tears to Merlin's eyes, while he was aware of Ari on his shoulder, rubbing feathers against his face once more. It was his way of showing support. The round table vibrating trust and hope. It was right in front of him, but he froze, staring at the people who were his friends. He saw Gaius rise the moment the old man spotted him.

Queen Guinevere's eyes sought him out immediately, but didn't betray her thoughts or emotions. She left the table, gracefully, her arms outstretched. When she reached him, a warm smile appeared on her lips and she grabbed his hands. "I'm so glad to see you. Joyous Yule time, Merlin."

"Gwen, I…"

"Shhh…" She whispered, "it's all right."

All he could do was hug Gwen, a fierce hug that said it all in that one moment. Their loss, their pain, their grief and love. Tears fell, but they were needed. The silence in the hall was broken when Leon and Gaius came his way, patting him on the shoulders.

"It's good to see you, my boy." Gaius sniffed, than turned to Ari, still perched on Merlin's shoulder. "Nice to see you too, Ari."

"You know each other?"

Neither Ari or Gaius answered him, and Merlin could have sworn he saw a smile on the little birds face.

Yes, there was a life without Arthur, and Merlin knew he should start living again. Ari, Gwen and all his other friends would show him the way... For the love of Camelot.

The End


End file.
